VO: The nation's favorite celebrities...

There's a fact for you.

VO: ..paired up with an expert... We're like a girl band!

VO: ..and a classic car.

Give it some juice, Myrie, give it some juice.

VO: Their mission - to scour Britain for antiques.

I'm brilliant at haggling.

Who knew?

VO: The aim - to make the biggest profit at auction.

I can't believe that!

VO: But it's no easy ride.

TRISHA: What's that smell?

AMIR: The clutch!

VO: Who will find a hidden gem?

That's very art deco, innit?

VO: Take the biggest risk?

EAMONN: It's half toy, it's half furniture.

VO: Will anybody follow expert advice?

That's irrelevant.

VO: There will be worthy winners... CHRIS: (GROANS) RUFUS: (LAUGHS) VO: ..and valiant losers.

No!

VO: Put your pedal to the metal.

Woohoo!

VO: This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

VO: Oh yes!

VO: Today's celebrities seem to be mainly here for the motors.

MARK: We're coming up to a hill now, Bob.

Oh, yes.

MARK: Oh, breathe in, it's very narrow.

BOB: There you go.

Breathe out now.

MARK: We're over the hill - in more ways than one.

Wa-hey!

VO: Ha, ha!

Yes, our petrol head personalities, also seeking antiques, are actor and presenter Mark Curry, and in the driving seat, the actor and writer Robert Daws.

BOB: This is a 1970s E-Type Jaguar.

A lovely red, with a 4.2 liter engine.

Oh!

It's the car of my dreams.

Now just relax your hands on the wheel, they're a bit clenched.

Yeah.

That's it, lovely.

VO: Much better.

BOB: I mean, it's got such a fabulously powerful engine, I'm worried that if I have to do a hill start, I'll probably go up into the upper atmosphere.

MARK: (LAUGHS) VO: Robert is a renowned British actor, often to be found bewigged in smash hit period dramas.

VO: While Mark was once a TV presenter but is now a hotshot actor in London's West End.

MARK: So what do you feel about today?

I'm impossibly excited about it, actually.

I know, me too.

Do you know anything about antiques?

MARK: I don't really, no.

BOB: Well, Judi Dench says the best bit of acting is getting the job.

After then, you've just got to do it.

BOB & MARK: (LAUGH) VO: Dame Judi might also sagely recommend that our two friends spend their £400 each very wisely.

So will you need expert guidance today?

Absolutely, and that's not just the driving.

I need an expert to bring sanity and wisdom to the equation.

VO: Which leads us nicely to our highly trained experts - Bristolian Izzie Balmer and Scotland's own Roo Irvine.

I love that skirt, Roo.

It's insane.

Can we swap?

IZZIE: You can wear my skirt and I'll have yours.

VO: Sanity, wisdom and also a wee bit starstruck.

ROO: I think they must be absolutely lovely.

I grew up watching Mark Curry on Blue Peter.

IZZIE: Did you?

ROO: Yes!

VO: Ooh, me too!

VO: Roo and Izzie are piloting our other fabulous classic car.

VO: A Mercedes 190 SL, manufactured before seat belts were mandatory.

IZZIE: I am a big Poldark fan.

ROO: Oh, so you're going to be fangirling.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm going to have to try and rein it in.

You'll be like, "Izzie, where are you?"

"I'm right here, Robert."

VO: But, as well as the cars, the antiques and their experts, our celebrities will have to cope with one other thing that they may not be altogether used to - the H word.

MARK: What about haggling?

I'm a terrible haggler.

I'm very, "After you, Claude.

No, after you."

MARK: I am as well.

BOB: But I'm going to act it.

Pitch it somewhere between Wolf Of Wall Street and Del Boy and Trigger.

VO: He who dares wins Claude.

Their shopping adventures will mostly be taking place in Lancashire, before concluding in Derbyshire at Chesterfield.

But we kick off in Preston... ..home of North End, founder members of the Football League in 1888, and with an eponymous antique center in a former cotton mill.

MARK: Well done, Robert.

BOB: We are at the Preston Antique Center.

MARK: Look at this.

Bob.

That's mine.

Yes, not a patch on this, I'm afraid.

VO: Never mind all that!

BOB: After you.

VO: Claude.

Ha!

Where are those experts?

VO: Is that one?

No.

They must be around here somewhere.

Ah!

Izzie Balmer, I presume?

Ah yes, that is indeed me.

And you must be Bob, nice to meet you.

And you.

What are you doing?

Welcome to rummaging.

BOB & IZZIE: (LAUGH) If we are going to beat Mark and Roo, we've got to find some treasures.

BOB: Yeah.

IZZIE: So let's get going.

VO: I thought she played that pretty cool.

Ha!

What about the others?

You must be Roo.

ROO: (LAUGHS) You found me by the limelight, eh!

MARK: Look at this spotlight.

How much is that, by the way?

I know it's way out of budget, isn't it?

Take a guess.

ROO: You might know what they're worth.

150.

If it was, I would have bought it already.

What is it, am I way off?

Add another zero, £1,250.

Forget it.

ROO: Shall we get shopping?

MARK: Let's go shopping.

MARK: I'm really excited.

ROO: Alright.

VO: I wonder what our celebrities have on their wish list.

BOB: Talk about the period.

It's sort of the art deco period.

'20s, '30s.

I mean, I've always been drawn to that.

I've done lots of different projects set in those years and I've always liked it.

BOB: The architecture, jewellery, the whole caboodle.

Mind you, I can't see much here.

What's this?

BOB: It's a foghorn.

What do you think of this?

IZZIE: I was expecting a huge sound to come out.

BOB: I've been told - uncharitably - that I've got a voice a bit like a foghorn at times.

BOB: (IMITATES FOGHORN) IZZIE: (LAUGHS) VO: Quite!

BOB: I think we'll give that a miss, don't you?

VO: No fog horns, then.

MARK: I've never seen a globe that color before.

I love that, actually.

Roo?

Yes?

MARK: I need you to be honest with me.

ROO: OK, I can do honest.

Because I'm getting a little bit excited about this.

MARK: Well, just because it's a globe, I love globes.

MARK: What do you think?

I like it.

The only thing is the age.

Right, hold it up.

Does it have weight to it?

Not really.

It says John Kay's globe.

MARK: Is he a well-known globe person?

ROO: Hmm.

I would say it's made within the last 30, 40 years.

Yeah, it's a plastic base.

VO: Diplomatically done.

VO: No globes either by the sound of it.

MARK: Did you used to do that thing where you'd spin it and go, "Wherever my finger lands... ROO: Yup.

Yup.

Close your eyes!

MARK: ..I'm going on holiday?"

That's my next holiday.

I'm going to Libya.

ROO: Libya?

VO: (LAUGHS) Well, hold on.

There's quite a lot of shopping to be done first!

VO: Ah, they've divided their forces.

Take two!

(LAUGHS) VO: Lordy!

ROO: I know, and this is... VO: 'ello-'ello-'ello...

Excuse me, officer, I'm not, you know, I'm not taking this... BOB: I'm sorry, sir.

But we've had reports that you've been caught in possession of a bar-gain!

MARK & ROO: (LAUGH) BOB: Right.

I'm going to let you both off on a warning this time.

Carry on.

VO: Yes.

Do.

VO: Enough loitering with intent from you lot, though, let's get on with it.

How much is that?

That's 45 quid!

Imagine that in a bar at home or a pub or... Roo!

ROO: What have you found?

MARK: Look at this.

I'm just quite drawn to it.

MARK: "Dicky Turner, famed for inventing the word 'teetotal' at a meeting in the Cockpit Press in September 1833."

VO: All happened when the local Temperance Society got together, apparently.

It's a shame that's slightly damaged but... ROO: Now inspect it.

Does it look of the right age?

It's saying September 18... ROO: That's obviously when Dicky Turner was around and he invented the word 'teetotal'.

How old do you think that sign is?

I don't think it's 1833.

ROO: No.

What's the material?

Is it cork?

It's...it feels like, erm... VO: MDF?

MARK: But does it matter?

No, no, it doesn't.

ROO: But the one thing to ask yourself when you're buying - have you seen another one?

MARK: No, never.

And the people at the auction house will probably be thinking the same.

VO: Totally.

Could that be Mark's first buy?

ROO: I'm loving his energy, his amazing enthusiasm.

And the thing is, we are identical in terms of our taste.

We're both magpies.

And with that, you have the danger of us being distracted by all that glitters, which isn't always gold, but I have to say I'm having the best time.

He's such a sweetheart, and even if you don't buy anything, I'm taking Mark home with me!

VO: Powerful stuff, that Blue Peter, eh?

Right, concentrate, Mark.

Focus, focus, focus.

VO: Let's see if Bob's taken any of Izzie's top tips on board.

BOB: I've been told to avoid dark woods.

I don't know why.

I like it, but apparently I've got to avoid it.

There we go.

What have we got here?

BOB: Oval oak tray?

That's rather lovely.

BOB: Oh, a lot of screws on the bottom.

There we are.

It is now quite obvious.

I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.

BOB: More dark wood.

More dark wood.

Surrounded by a forest of dark wood.

VO: Crikey, Bob seems a bit lost.

VO: Can Izzie help?

BOB: Oh!

IZZIE: What do you think to these, two little vases?

BOB: Well, they look very sweet, don't they?

IZZIE: If you could take a look at the bases for me, do they say Doulton Lambeth or do they say Royal Doulton?

Royal.

Royal Doulton.

IZZIE: OK.

So back in 1815, John Doulton invested his life savings of £100 into a pipe works in Lambeth in London.

And little did he know from these humble beginnings that his company would become renowned.

IZZIE: But in 1901, Edward VII gave Doulton the Royal Warrant.

IZZIE: So we know that these are post 1901, because they say "Royal" on the bottom.

Aha!

IZZIE: Now the two that you're holding there, they are very typical, I would almost say common, that it's not a rare design, but I couldn't help but notice that they are both marked at £12 each.

I know!

IZZIE: That's £24, and I kind of think that's got to be a £20 to £30 lot at auction every day of the week.

Well, I'd get them.

BOB: And they're between art nouveau and art deco, they're sort of art don't know!

IZZIE: (LAUGHS) Art don't know!

BOB: And so I mean, that suits me.

They're a lovely color, aren't they?

I mean, I'm really happy with these.

IZZIE: I fall into the camp of liking them, so that's probably why I'm waxing lyrical about them a little bit more.

Other people would be like, "Oh, they are ugly".

MARK: Yeah.

Mark and Roo might think they're ugly.

MARK: Yeah, what do they know?

IZZIE: Exactly!

VO: Now we're getting somewhere.

VO: Ah, teatime!

ROO: Mark...?

MARK: Yes?

ROO: Come hither, my lovely.

What have you seen?

ROO: Well, I have found this three piece tea set.

ROO: Now I would normally say don't buy silver plate, but this has got Garrard & Co on the bottom.

ROO: It's a very weighty name.

Garrard & Asprey were the company together.

Yes, Garrard & Asprey, yeah!

They have been going for 300 years but they are the most luxurious British silversmith and jewellery maker.

OK. ROO: Well, let's have a closer look, because it does look a bit... Oh!

(LAUGHS) MARK: Oh!

It was great before the dents.

VO: Ticket price, £58.

ROO: I would say, because that's quite minimalistic, it's probably Edwardian, so early 1900s.

MARK: Yes, quite heavy, isn't it?

"Regent plate", it says.

It's a really nice piece.

I think, let's go for it.

VO: Oh, goody!

VO: They've also got the sign he found, of course.

Over to Vicky.

VICKY: Hello, Mark!

Hi, there.

I'm just... What can I do for you?

We're interested in a couple of things.

First of all, can we talk about this?

VICKY: Of course.

ROO: What is the absolute best, sexiest, tastiest price you can give us?

I know what he would take on that one, and it would be 45.

You couldn't do 40?

VICKY: Erm, go on, go on.

MARK: 40 quid!

VICKY: Go on.

VO: Thanks, Vicky.

Just putting that in there for now.

VICKY: No problem.

That's wonderful.

MARK: So we've seen something else - that wonderful sign.

Yes, I know which one do you mean.

MARK: We like it.

OK. ROO: It was up at 45.

VICKY: Well, I know who that belongs to, and I know what their limit would be.

How does 35 sound?

That would be their very best.

That's absolutely incredible.

Wonderful!

VO: So with 325 left, they're off.

That's just wonderful, Vicky.

So I'll just go with these.

Shall I leave the money or...?

ROO & VICKY: (LAUGH) VICKY: That'd be helpful, Mark, thank you very much.

VO: Cheeky!

MARK: Right.

So I've got the sign.

ROO: Right.

MARK: And we've got the motor.

ROO: Actually, Mark, you're matching it pretty well.

VO: Yes.

Awfully coordinated!

MARK: We're off.

Look at this!

Beautiful.

(TOOTS HORN) ROO: Nice work!

VO: Now back to Izzie and Robert.

Oh, what have we got here?

Izzie...?

IZZIE: Yeah, Bob?

What do you think about this little bit of nonsense?

Oh, is it a golfing doorstop?

BOB: It is a golfing doorst... or doors-stop, as we say in our house.

Are you a fan of golf?

BOB: Yes, I love golf, but it's not a fan of me.

I'm a terrible player but I love golfing stuff like that.

BOB: I'm doing a play next year about PG Wodehouse and PG Wodehouse's golfing stories are some of the funniest pieces of literature you'll ever read but anyway, this is the 19th hole where myself and many other plays have played their finest shots.

IZZIE: (LAUGHS) BOB: So what do you think?

BOB: Has it got any age to it, you think?

IZZIE: I like it.

Well, what you really want with doorstops is you want them to be Victorian, so you want them to be cast-iron, you want them to be painted, and in excellent condition, and not have been retouched up with paint, and not be reproduction.

Now... Is that any of those things?

To be fair, this one has got some nice wear to the base.

IZZIE: I mean, it's probably sort of a 30, £40.

BOB: Really?

IZZIE: Hopefully.

That's lovely.

VO: No ticket price, however.

It has got the novelty factor as well, and I really like items that are useful.

So do I!

VO: They speak as one!

Let's see if Vicky joins in.

IZZIE: Hey, Vicky.

VICKY: Hi!

You OK?

We have had a lovely time and we've found some great bits.

VICKY: OK. And I'm now going to hand over to Bob to do all of the hard work.

Aargh!

BOB: Hello, Vicky.

VICKY: Hello, Bob.

BOB: (LAUGHS) VICKY: What can I do for you?

BOB: Well, lots, I hope, because Izzie has managed to find these two delightful Royal Doulton pieces here.

OK. BOB: And also, this, but it hasn't got a price on it.

VICKY: Well, you're in luck, Bob, because that actually belongs to me so I can give you an extremely good price.

BOB: (WHISPERS) Thank you.

VICKY: How would £5 suit you?

IZZIE: (LAUGHS) I think £5 is absolutely marvelous.

And hey, I'm brilliant at haggling.

Who knew?

IZZIE: Who knew?

BOB: Right!

IZZIE: So £12, £12, that's 24, plus five.

That's 29.

That can be 20, can do those for 20.

IZZIE: Oh, yes, please!

BOB: Really?

VICKY: Make it even better for you!

VO: Thanks again, Vicky.

That's £20 and there's £5.

VO: £375 left.

IZZIE: You've got a spring in your step, Bob!

VO: Definitely!

Now while they get off to the next shop... VO: ..we'll catch up with Mark and his Merc.

How are you finding driving the Mercedes?

MARK: I'm a little bit nervous if I'm honest.

ROO: You're a very good driver.

Oh, thank you.

ROO: You're definitely making full use of the road.

ROO: (LAUGHS) VO: There's that famous tact again!

ROO: Am I right in thinking you've got quite a few strings to your bow because you've done presenting... MARK: Yeah.

ROO: ..acting... Yeah.

ROO: ..dancing?

MARK: Yes.

A bit of dancing.

Yeah.

MARK: The presenting came along sort of by accident, really.

MARK: I went along for this audition for a Saturday morning live television show, and Peter Powell was the main presenter.

He was a well-known DJ then... MARK: ..and I got the job.

ROO: Wow.

There were loads of people going for it and I got the job and that led me into proper studio presenting where you wear an earpiece... MARK: ..and it's live... ROO: Yes.

..you have to do too many interviews and I loved it.

ROO: What's your favorite role that you've ever played?

MARK: That's so difficult, Roo, because I've been around a long time.

ROO: (LAUGHS) MARK: I really loved being in Woman In Black in London.

ROO: I've seen that.

MARK: You've seen it?

Very powerful.

MARK: It's scary.

Only two actors in the show.

Well, plus the ghost.

ROO: Tell me the thoughts that go through your mind when you step out onto that stage?

It's just a thrill.

It's, it's magical.

You know, it's live.

You're telling the whole story.

VO: Our performer is off to get a backstage look at a very different hit show on the Lancashire coast at Blackpool.

VO: Britain's most showbiz resort famous for its historical association with bright lights and popular entertainment.

MARK: Funny Girls, here we come.

VO: Mark and Roo are here to visit the town's 21st century attraction, a cabaret show bar in what was once a 1930s Odeon cinema, which has made Blackpool world famous for drag.

VO: DJ Zoe.

MARK: Hello!

ZOE: Hi.

ROO: You look beautiful.

Thank you very much.

MARK: We are so underdressed.

Well, you're not but look at me!

ZOE: Welcome to Funny Girls.

We are Blackpool's longest running drag cabaret venue.

Walk this way.

Come on, girl!

VO: Zoe has been the incomparable compere of Funny Girls throughout its 27 year history, taking drag into the mainstream.

MARK: So what part of the show is this?

MARK: Is this the opening or...?

No, this is the end part of the finale.

This'll be Rio, and it's all some fabulous pink feathers.

ZOE: We've got big, neon pink palm trees, so it's going to look stunning.

VO: At Funny Girls, they rehearse for four new shows every year.

MARK: Whay!

ROO: That was amazing.

MARK: You get that?

It's quite easy.

Memorized it all.

MARK: Right.

Five, six, seven, eight, you're on, kid.

Alright.

Who's teaching me, then?

(LAUGHTER) Come on over, hello my darling!

Hello!

VO: So while Roo auditions for the latest chorus line... RUBY: You've done this before.

ROO: Once or twice!

(LAUGHS) VO: ..Mark's off to find out more from Zoe about the success story of drag.

ZOE: I've been doing drag 37 years.

27 years at Funny Girls.

And prior to that, 10 years on the circuit.

MARK: Yeah.

ZOE: Well, I can go back as far as the '70s, as my parents used to run working men's clubs, and that's where I first saw drag acts.

But there weren't many around and into the early '90s, all the fun pubs which were quite popular in the north, and they'd be the kind of bars that the bar staff would probably drag up and they'd always have a drag DJ.

MARK: And has Blackpool always been a real hotspot for drag?

Really popular?

I think Blackpool's one of the best places for drag.

Excuse me, because... MARK: This is goodbye Zoe time.

Adrian is emerging.

There she goes.

It's very cosmopolitan.

ZOE: I don't think I would have gone down the drag route had I not been brought up in Blackpool.

It's like a safe haven for people who just want to be a bit different.

VO: Of course, men have been dressing up and playing females since the theater of Ancient Greece, and the opposite has often been the case in opera, thanks to the trouser role.

VO: But in modern times, the art of drag has become closely associated with gay culture.

So did you face any difficulties setting up Funny Girls?

You know, turning it into the success that it is today?

People never thought it would work back in 1994.

ZOE: I remember going round in full drag with some of the other girls, handing flyers out, asking them to put the posters up, and the look of bewilderment on their face as much to say, "Why on earth would you want to open this sort of venue?"

ZOE: But I do think Funny Girls has broadens a lot of people horizon to drag because it's open to all - all age groups, all sexualities.

Funny Girls has shown people that drag is not just for niche bars, it's for everyone.

MARK: And you've had legends coming to see you, haven't you?

Over the years?

Yeah, we've had many, many a famous person sat in the seats watching the show.

In fact, when we opened in this venue, Joan Collins opened it for us and we've had some, some great names.

ZOE: The late Victoria Wood, Bea Arthur.

Oh, from the Golden Girls!

ZOE: Yes, and we did the Royal Variety Performance back in 2005.

So the Queen supporting queens - it was marvelous!

And now you've got the legend that is Roo Irvine downstairs rehearsing.

Who?

Yeah, exactly!

MARK & ZOE: (LAUGH) VO: Yes.

How are those rehearsals faring?

Seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and forward.

MARK: She's doing it, look at that!

VO: She certainly is.

MARK: Keep smiling.

Yes!

Well done!

MARK: Well done!

Fabulous!

VO: Brava!

VO: Meanwhile, back in the Lancashire countryside, our other celebrity and expert pairing are busily bonding.

IZZIE: How did you get into acting?

BOB: Well, I think the first thing would be that I realized I loved working on camera and an auntie who was an opera singer at Covent Garden, I seem to recall, and that's where I get my foghorn voice from.

IZZIE: Yes!

MARK: I suppose, really, if you talk about personal happiness and acting happiness, the perfect blend of that came in The Royal because that's where I met my wife, Amy who was playing one of the other doctors.

So I've got a bit of a confession.

IZZIE: I think I've only ever seen probably about 10 minutes of The Royal.

Oh, that's alright.

You've got another 90 episodes to catch up on.

You'll get around to it one day!

VO: And speaking of The Royal, a seaside-based TV series, they're on their way to Lytham St Annes.

VO: A delightful coastal spot aptly supplied with golf courses, plus there's even a nod to Bob's opera singing auntie.

IZZIE: Here we are!

MARK: And the sun, it shineth all afternoon long.

VO: Is that Verdi?

VO: Anyway, they do still have lots of cash left.

IZZIE: Oh, such a gent.

Thank you!

VO: 375, to be exact.

VO: So what takes your fancy, Bob?

BOB: Oh, now this looks very interesting.

It's dark wood, but you know, I don't mind that.

It says here, "Mid 1800s American Postal Service tellers desk".

Well that's exciting, isn't it?

Stamped under drawer.

"Property of United States Postal Department."

BOB: That's pretty good.

Now I tell you why I like this because there's a fashion now for workstations in the home where you're standing, it's supposed to be a bit healthier than sitting down all day long.

BOB: I would use this, I think, have my laptop there or if I was recording stuff, have my microphone there.

BOB: I like it a lot.

And I love the fact, oh, hello.

Have you seen these?

These are metal.

BOB: That's rather good.

Izzie!

Yes, yes, what have you found?

I quite like this.

It's an American Postal Service desk.

BOB: I can just imagine this in a post office, sort of, Kansas or somewhere like that.

I mean, it certainly makes it industrial, which is very popular at the moment.

BOB: Is it?

IZZIE: How much is it?

BOB: I knew you were going to ask that - (MUMBLES) it's £200... VO: I beg your pardon?

BOB: There's no easy way to say this.

It's £295.

OK. That is a mouthful, isn't it?

BOB: Yes, it is.

Do you think there's any profit in it?

No, absolutely not.

BOB: None.

Absolutely.

IZZIE: No.

But you really like the table, and that's very important.

BOB: Yeah.

Can I buy it?

OK. Yeah.

Yes?

IZZIE: But, you're going to have to haggle.

OK, I'm going to have to approach this like a gunfight in the Old West, aren't I?

Yes.

So what's your best price, mister?

In an American accent, obviously.

Do we want to see if we can find anything else?

And then you might be able to do a deal?

Brilliant!

VO: Has Bob starred in any cowboy movies?

VO: Now what's Izzie got there?

VO: It's all about the look of it, baby!

IZZIE: Hmm.

It's quite nice.

Bob?

Yep.

IZZIE: How do you feel about babies' teethers?

BOB: Babies' teethers?

IZZIE: Yup.

BOB: That's it?

IZZIE: Yes.

BOB: Oh, I say!

IZZIE: So... BOB: It's a court jester!

IZZIE: It is, and you're a jester, and so I thought this might appeal.

You've got the rattles so it could play with it.

IZZIE: The collectable ones are sort of like your Georgian and Victorian ones.

BOB: Yeah.

IZZIE: That one, I suspect, is 20th century.

IZZIE: So it's stamped sterling, which makes it either continental or American.

We've got an American connection going on here.

VO: Not exactly Wild West, though, is it?

VO: No price, either.

A child's either going to love it or it's going scare the child to death, isn't it, really?

Yes.

BOB: But I think that's a lot of fun.

David... DAVID: Yes, Bob?

Oh, a moment of your time, if you will.

VO: Where's he popped up from?

BOB: Izzie has just found this rather lovely baby's teether... OK. BOB: ..and we're looking for a joker in our pack.

So, we're wondering what your best price on this might be?

For that one, I could do it for 40 for you.

40?

Wow!

Well, that's...that.

That is... That is... That is... BOB: You couldn't...?

You couldn't...?

Oh, come on.

Come on, cou-rage, cou-rage, mon ami.

You couldn't do it for 35, could you?

Go on, then?

I'll do it for 35.

BOB: Really?

IZZIE: Yes.

That's my first official haggle.

So thank you, David.

BOB: Well, I'm hoping I haven't shot my bolt because we've got another wonderful thing that I've got my eye on.

BOB: And Izzie says I can have it if I get it for the right price.

And that's your American postal desk.

BOB: What might your best price be on that?

DAVID: For the teller's desk, I could do that for 260 for you.

BOB: Is there any possible way we can squeeze the tube of best price to actually bring it down a little more?

I could possibly do it for 250 for you.

Thank you.

Yes?

Happy with that?

Very happy.

Right, here we go.

Time for the money.

VO: That'll be £285, sir.

BOB: Right!

Let's go.

IZZIE: Thank you very much.

VO: Leaving 90 left in their kitty and everyone a wee bit tired but contented.

MARK: It's been a good day.

It has been.

ROO: We're officially off and running with our buys.

What did you think of my dance routine?

You're a natural, you love all that, don't you?

ROO: I don't know if I'm ready to let her loose yet on the world.

MARK: Well, it might just happen, you know?

ROO: (LAUGHS) IZZIE: I've got to say, Bob, I was very impressed by your haggling in the shop.

BOB: D'you know, I think that was a lucky break for a novice.

BOB: And the nominations for best haggler in a documentary about antiques goes to... Whooo!

So many people to thank.

I'd like to thank Izzie.

IZZIE: (LAUGHS) BOB: I'd like to thank Vicky... VO: Um...

This is where the host steps in.

VO: He-he!

Nighty night!

VO: Next day, our celebrities are having even more fun.

BOB: It's been an absolute treat, this.

Getting to work together again and not having to do a play.

Exactly.

Not having to learn lines.

MARK: It's just fabulous.

MARK: The gear stick's a bit wobbly but you can't have everything.

I'll tell you, this is almost perfect - the joys of the English countryside, a classic car and a Curry.

VO: Boom, boom.

Ha ha!

VO: What's the expert verdict?

ROO: Did you have fun with Bob yesterday?

IZZIE: So much fun.

He does terrible dad jokes.

ROO: Oh, I love that.

IZZIE: (LAUGHS) ROO: Well, I have to say, Mark is an absolute sweetheart as well.

And I can see why the two of them are such close friends because they just take on every adventure.

IZZIE: Yes.

I think they're both really enjoying this.

BOB: Then I had a nightmare in the middle of the night.

I woke up thinking that I'd spent about 250 quid on something I shouldn't.

Oh.

I'm still hoping that I didn't.

Oh.

VO: Sorry, Bob, it really happened.

VO: He and Izzie were the day's big spenders, acquiring a novelty doorstop, a teller's desk, a baby's teether and some stoneware pots... A sort of art don't know.

VO: ..leaving them with £90 to spend today, while Mark and Roo picked up only a silver plated tea service and a sign.

Shall I leave the money, or...?

ROO & VICKY: (LAUGH) VO: Which means they have 325 left in their kitty, and plenty of room in the back of the Merc.

BOB: One thing about driving these cars without power steering, it takes a lot of strength, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah.

BOB: It's a classic car workout.

MARK: Well, Bob, why don't you get a classic car?

BOB: I wish.

Mind you, I say that, driving the E-Type yesterday, I think I've pulled a fat, just here.

BOB: It's absolute agony.

MARK: You've sprained a rib!

VO: It's worth it.

The great Lancastrian antiques rally resumes with a visit to Bolton.

VO: Birthplace of Steeplejack and TV personality Fred Dibnah, plus another football team with history.

VO: And here come our wanderers now, at Gilly's antiques.

BOB: Thank you, driver.

I enjoyed that.

MARK: It's a pleasure.

Shall we have a quick look in the boot?

VO: So we're about to compare buys.

MARK: Is the £250 item in here?

Not in there.

MARK: So, Bob.

BOB: Yes.

MARK: I loved this.

BOB: Dicky Turner?

MARK: "Dicky Turner, famed for inventing the word teetotal at a meeting in the Cockpit, Preston, September 1833."

I love that.

MARK: I'm amazed you didn't see that.

No, I didn't see it, I didn't see it.

BOB: There you go.

MARK: Oh, I think it's lovely.

MARK: What about yours?

Show me one of yours.

BOB: Yes, this tire here.

MARK: (LAUGHS) BOB: No.

BOB: See that little silver object, there, pick it up.

BOB: Just, just... That's it.

Now, that is a teether, that's made of sterling silver.

A teether?

For little bubbas.

MARK: Wow!

BOB: Yes.

And it's so they're entertained with the little jiggling of the court jester at the end of it.

Where did you see that?

That's amazing.

BOB: Well, Izzie found that.

MARK: Can I pick up this as well?

BOB: Now, that's Royal Doulton.

I was looking for something which was art deco, but it's very hard.

BOB: So we settled for something in the middle.

That's sort of an art nouveau design.

Both of them.

I think they're lovely.

BOB: Do you like them?

MARK: Was it a set?

BOB: No.

Come on, show me something else.

Ooh.

MARK: What about this?

This is silver plate.

Very elegant, Edwardian.

You're telling me.

MARK: And a lovely, milk jug and a sugar thing.

BOB: You know I think you're going to do very well with those, I think they're beautiful.

MARK: So you've got four items?

BOB: I've got four items.

BOB: You're going to have to get cracking.

MARK: Enough chat.

Lovely to see you.

Have a nice day.

BOB: Happy shopping.

Bye!

Bye bye.

MARK: Four items.

Unbelievable.

Farewell.

BOB: Farewell.

MARK: See you later.

Tinkety tonk!

VO: Mark's now off to meet Roo elsewhere, while Bob heads inside to look for his expert.

Hello, Izzie.

Hey, Bob, how are you doing?

BOB: Who's your friend?

IZZIE: This is Gerry.

Very pleased to meet you.

BOB: I'm very pleased to meet you as well.

So what do you think of it so far?

IZZIE: Rubbish!

BOB: Ooh-ho!

VO: You can say that again.

VO: Ah, wigs.

I'm sure Bob's played a few QCs before.

BOB: I really like this.

IZZIE: It suits you.

BOB: There's a thing inside, it says Ravenscroft, does that mean anything?

Oh, that's interesting.

VO: Yeah, London's oldest tailor, established in 1689.

We can't afford to buy this.

Well, essentially, yes, because I have just had a quick glimpse at the price, and, you know, it's just £1,500.

£1,500.

OK, fair enough.

BOB: There rests the case for the prosecution, m'lud.

BOB: I'll take this off now.

IZZIE: You looked very handsome.

BOB: Well, thank you very much.

I'm going to walk this way and blush.

VO: Wigs are becoming a bit of a theme, it seems.

VO: Ah, there's Mark, piloting the Mercedes towards his very first shop of the day in the nearby town of Radcliffe, anxious to get buying at Classical Times and Collectables, where Roo's already rummaging within.

VO: Those two have still got £325 left, remember.

There you are, in amongst the stuff.

ROO: I'm hiding from you.

(LAUGHS) ROO: How are you getting on?

MARK: Great.

I've been talking to Bob.

ROO: Right, OK.

He bought something for £250.

Can't get it out of him.

Don't know what it is.

ROO: Excellent.

MARK: He was worried about it.

Well, that's good.

But he's an actor.

A good actor.

So maybe he was just hiding it.

ROO: He might be calling your bluff.

MARK: He's bought four things.

ROO: Four things?

MARK: So we've got to... ROO: Well, I've spotted these.

What do you think they are?

MARK: Is it a fireplace?

Does it go over the fireplace?

VO: Well, next to it, anyway.

VO: They're andirons.

No ticket price, though.

ROO: The weight to these are lovely, and I think they would go just either side of a fireplace.

So what do you think?

Do you think they could be worth something?

I do like them.

I would usually avoid brass unless it's something really quirky, so something oversized or miniature.

But anything to do with fireplaces are very collectable.

And brass could fetch us some brass, you see.

That's what we say up north.

Well, exactly.

Where there's smoke, there's brass.

VO: Mark's made a start.

What about back in Bolton, then?

VO: Town motto, "supera moras."

Sweet.

VO: Yes, it's Latin for "overcome delays."

He-he!

Bob?

BOB: Hello.

IZZIE: I think I found something you might quite like, what do you reckon?

BOB: Oh, this!

BOB: Ooh.

Oh, I likey.

IZZIE: Do you?

BOB: I likey very much indeed.

BOB: You know, I've always wanted to have one of these, you know, because my life is filing and getting bits and pieces and I've got wooden filing cabinet there, a thing there.

But one of these... BOB: How many drawers is it?

It's 12.

IZZIE: 12.

Ooh, let's have a look at this.

Ooh.

BOB: God, they're deep drawers as well, aren't they?

It's Robert Daws opening drawers.

VO: Exactly.

No Jonathan Pryce, however.

VO: Ha-ha!

IZZIE: And with filing cabinets, they're really popular, really trendy, kind of funky, usable items.

IZZIE: But condition is important.

Personally, I like a bit of patina.

Yes, I've got no choice.

I'm covered in patina.

BOB & IZZIE: (LAUGH) BOB: But I think it's absolutely lovely.

And it sort of harks back to a pre-computer age.

IZZIE: Mm.

So do you think we ought to ask for the price?

How about you do it?

Cuz I think you're really good at... BOB: (LAUGHS) Shucks!

Shucks!

IZZIE: ..getting the right price.

So... BOB: Graham?

Hello.

GRAHAM: Yeah.

Hi.

Well we found something that we're really interested in.

BOB: Well, Izzie found something we're really interested in.

I am very interested in it in myself.

BOB: Has it got a price on it?

125.

BOB: 125.

125.

VO: You only have 90, remember.

What's your best price on it, would you say?

I'll do a straight 100.

BOB: 100.

Is there any way we can just squeeze you down to... BOB: (SQUEAKS) 90.

That would be it.

90!

90.

What he hasn't told you, is that actually we only have £90 left so that's perfect.

IZZIE: Thank you.

BOB: That's it.

That's it.

Ooh, I enjoyed that haggle.

GRAHAM: (CHUCKLES) VO: Get to work on that Oscar speech, Bob!

GRAHAM: That's lovely.

90.

Thank you very much indeed.

GRAHAM: Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you for having us.

VO: And so, having spent every single penny, they say bye bye, Bolton, while we return to Radcliffe, where their rivals have parted with nowt so far.

VO: Although these priceless items are on their shortlist.

(DOOR KNOCKER CLICKS) MARK: What's that?

That looks lethal.

What is it?

What is it?

ROO: Believe it's a door-knocker.

MARK: Is it?

ROO: Mm.

ROO: Late Victorian.

But in the shape of a grandfather clock.

MARK: Sweet.

ROO: It is really sweet.

Is there a price on that?

There's no price.

MARK: Could you put that with those brass?

VO: Andirons?

ROO: Yes, you could.

As one thing?

ROO: You could.

VO: Knockers do generally sell well.

How about something more Mark-orientated, though?

MARK: So this is a music corner.

And what I was attracted to was this record player, obviously.

ROO: (GASPS) Oh, lovely.

Vera Lynn.

Vera Lynn, Welcome Home.

ROO: Oh, go on, give it a go.

I worked with Vera Lynn.

I did a gala at the Palladium and Vera Lynn was in it.

She did the war years songs.

VO: Yeah, as she would.

MUSIC: "Welcome Home" by Vera Lynn # Welcome home... # Aw.

That's such an amazing voice.

I think I need to wind it up a bit more.

# Welcome home... # MARK: That's sending... ROO: It does give you goose bumps.

MARK: Goose lumps.

MARK: Sorry, Vera.

VO: Charming.

MARK: So, do you think that would go for anything?

ROO: There was a time where record players were so hot.

ROO: If it's a gramophone with a beautiful big brass horn to it, then it adds more value.

Because it's a piece.

But is there a price on it?

MARK: No, there's no price on it.

ROO: Well, that's good because it means maybe you can get in with an offer first.

OK. ROO: Maybe you can say, "Oh, can it be X amount?"

ROO: You never know.

VO: Time to talk to Sue.

Hi, Sue.

Yes.

Hi, Mark.

MARK: There's a couple of things.

So, we're looking at something in the brass department.

But before that, the record player because you heard us playing the Vera Lynn record.

I know.

There's no price on that, Sue.

SUE: I suppose the best I could do would be 50.

MARK: 50 is pretty good.

OK. Then there's the brass things.

SUE: Right.

But also...

The little brass door-knocker.

I'd do you that at around £10.

SUE: The firedogs plus the brass thing for 50.

OK. Or the record player for 50, including the records?

SUE: The record player, I'd come down a little bit more again to 45.

MARK: Would you?

SUE: Do you think about doing a deal on the two lots for 80?

MARK: What do you think, ruthless Roo?

(LAUGHS) Yes.

MARK: I think that's a really good offer because you like the brass.

You think it'll do well.

I'm attached to that record player.

ROO: You've got to go for the record player.

OK.

So total is?

80.

Thank you so much.

You've been an absolute star with us.

VO: Yes.

Thanks, Sue.

VO: 40 for the record player with records and 40 for the brass collection.

ROO: Oh.

These are heavy.

MARK: You've got that brass safe?

ROO: Just about.

MARK: And I've got the record player.

Let's go.

VO: So with almost £250 still left to spend they're off to their next shop... ROO: Ooh!

VO: ..while we focus our attention on the opposition.

IZZIE: Look at that view, Bob.

It's lovely, isn't it?

IZZIE: Beautiful.

You can see the skyline of Manchester.

VO: The very next destination for Izzie and her actor and now crime writer companion.

IZZIE: How long have you been an author?

BOB: Eight years, I guess.

Co-created a radio series called Trueman and Riley for the BBC.

BOB: And then someone said, you know, "Have you thought about writing a book?"

So I wrote a novella and it went from there, really.

BOB: But I've always been fascinated with good crime mysteries.

I mean, Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie, all of those.

And then the Colin Dexter books.

BOB: Loved Morse.

I love Morse's Jaguar, which was not dissimilar in color to this one.

VO: Our Jag-driving detective writer is off to the center of Manchester, and a former Victorian police station, which is now a museum.

BOB: I don't know.

Mr Curry goes to the seaside.

Mr Daws gets sent down the nick.

VO: The Newton Street station was opened in 1879 when Manchester, which had only had a police force for just over 30 years, was the crime capital of the country.

Wonder if these lock.

BOB: Oh.

Izzie Balmer.

You haven't committed a crime, but you are going to do the time.

BOB: Enjoy your porridge.

(WINDOW SLAMS) IZZIE: (SHOUTS) Let me out, Bob!

Let me out!

I wonder if anyone's got a key.

VO: Ha ha.

Only joking.

VO: Bob's off to learn about Jerome Caminada, the brilliant police detective known as Manchester's Sherlock Holmes, from crime historian Angela Buckley.

Hi, Angela, nice to see you.

Lovely to meet you, Robert, and welcome to the Greater Manchester Police Museum.

BOB: So, tell us about Caminada.

ANGELA: So he grew up in Deansgate, which is the main thoroughfare in the city and at the time it was known as Devil's Gate.

BOB: Was it?

ANGELA: It was absolutely teeming with thieves and pickpockets and all sorts of people of ill repute.

ANGELA: And so he had a very hard childhood.

ANGELA: And then at the age of 23, he made a momentous decision and he joined the Manchester City Police in 1868 as a police constable.

VO: His local knowledge gave Caminada a head start, and within a few short years he had been promoted to sergeant and transferred to the newly created detective division, which is where the similarities with Sherlock get started.

BOB: He had certain particular techniques that he used, which were, to say the least, unusual.

Well, he was a master of disguise and he used to don all sorts of outfits and in one quite famous occasion he was at the Grand National in Liverpool.

Then he was disguised as a laborer, and he arrested a pickpocket for stealing a watch.

ANGELA: And when he took the pickpocket back to the police station, his disguise was so convincing that his own chief constable tried to arrest him.

Is there any sort of connection, possibly between Holmes and this gentleman here?

ANGELA: Well, he was able to think outside the box.

ANGELA: And in fact, as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle started writing the Sherlock stories, at that time Jerome Caminada was at the top of his game and he was practically a household name, so we could think that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle certainly read about Caminada's escapades.

VO: We can never quite be sure how the real-life detective may have influenced Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's fictional hero, but it certainly wasn't just his eccentricities.

VO: He was also an early adopter of scientific techniques, as witnessed by the Manchester Cab Mystery of 1889.

BOB: Sounds like a Sherlock Holmes title to one of his stories, doesn't it?

ANGELA: Yes, and so this was a murder mystery.

A very wealthy businessman was murdered in the center of Manchester.

ANGELA: He got into a cab with a young man, and an hour-and-a-half later he was dead.

ANGELA: The only clue he really had to go on was the fact that in the man's stomach contents was a chemical known as chloral hydrate and Caminada used his knowledge of chemicals and also his knowledge of the criminal fraternity to work out that chloral hydrate was a drug that was used in illegal prize fighting to subdue opponents to rig the betting.

ANGELA: And he found the prime suspect, arrested him, and had it up before the judge, all in a matter of three weeks.

VO: And just as Sherlock Holmes faced Moriarty, so the Manchester detective had his very own criminal mastermind archenemy.

ANGELA: There was a notorious burglar called Bob Horridge, and he played cat and mouse with Caminada for 20 years.

Good grief.

And eventually, this all came to a head in the summer of 1887.

ANGELA: Bob Horridge was found burgling a shop in central Manchester and he tried to shoot two police officers, and Caminada consulted his network of informants.

He dressed in disguise.

He followed Horridge to the docks.

ANGELA: So not quite Switzerland, but Liverpool.

ANGELA: And he recognized Horridge from a distance by the way that he walked and that gave him the advantage.

And he managed to creep up to Horridge and literally hold a gun to his head before Horridge could get to his own firearm.

ANGELA: And with that, he ended 20 years of Horridge terrorizing the streets of Manchester, and he was given a life sentence.

So there's one other maybe final similarity between the two great detectives?

Well, his career lasted 30 years and he rose through the ranks to detective superintendent.

And then after he retired, he actually became a private detective.

BOB: (LAUGHS) You're going to tell me he plays the violin next.

ANGELA: (LAUGHS) VO: And in case anyone's concerned, Izzie succeeded in breaking out quite some time ago.

VO: Ha-ha!

VO: Back to the non crime-fighting celebrity in the Mark and Roo mobile.

ROO: This has to officially be the coolest car.

It's just wonderful.

You're going to be impressed by this.

MARK: Are you ready?

ROO: OK. Yeah, go for it.

Oh, that's cool.

MARK: Isn't that cool?

Let's get some sounds going.

ROO: Oh, let's.

MARK: Just press that button on the right.

ROO: Right.

Yeah.

MARK: See what's on.

ROO: Ramp up the volume?

MARK: Anything on?

(STATIC CRACKLES) ROO: Woo!

MARK: Oh, what was that?

(STATIC CRACKLES) ROO: (LAUGHS) VO: Never mind.

VO: Music can get in the way of conversation sometimes.

ROO: Mark, we are two shops down, one to go.

Last chance saloon.

MARK: I know.

How much have we got left?

ROO: 245.

MARK: Bring it on.

ROO: (LAUGHS) VO: Oh, we will.

VO: Also in Manchester, at Antique World.

ROO: So we're going to be decisive, aren't we?

MARK: I think so.

ROO: Yeah.

Maybe.

We'll see.

MARK: (LAUGHS) VO: Take your time!

There's plenty to see.

VO: Those £245 won't spend themselves, after all.

Now I'm really drawn to this because I've sort of lived through this, that late '60s, '70s time when I was about like, you know, 11, 12, something like that.

And look, a smoked glass table, swivel chairs, which is really unusual.

It's in great nick as far as I can see.

MARK: Interesting pattern on the chair.

VO: Looks a bit more '60s to me.

No ticket price, though.

And look, there's a...there's a vase over here, which I bet is '70s as well.

Look at this.

Just imagine that.

Clear all this off, this Pyrex.

And just put that in the middle.

Just imagine that on its own.

I know it's a little bit tacky in a way, but it says 1970, 1971.

Roo?

ROO: Yeah.

Have you got two minutes?

MARK: Just tell me what you honestly think.

ROO: These are pretty cool.

Do you know what I love?

ROO: I love these chairs.

MARK: I know.

And they're in good nick.

Oh, now, can you imagine, I've got the cheese and pineapple sticks, for starters?

MARK: It's Abigail's Party all over again.

ROO: You've got the Beaujolais.

MARK: (LAUGHS) And to be able to swivel at a dinner table, can you imagine?

But seriously, what...?

Will it sell?

ROO: Yes.

This is classy '70s.

MARK: I'm quite excited.

And I'm pleased that you're quite pleased as well.

MARK: I'm excited!

ROO: Alright you be Laurence, I'll be Beverly.

MARK: Alright.

VO: And I'll be Demis Roussos.

(CHUCKLES) Anything else?

MARK: Oh, look at this.

This is quite nice.

ROO: What have you found?

MARK: Plantation chair.

Right.

MARK: Let's try it, then, see if it's comfortable.

ROO: I love the shape of it.

So what...?

Look at these.

ROO: (LAUGHS) You lean back in that chair... MARK: Yeah.

ROO: ..with your paddles at the side.

Yeah.

You look like you're about to take off in a biplane.

MARK: (LAUGHS) ROO: Vroom!

It must be for drinks.

This must be for drinks, I would think.

280 quid.

VO: 35 more than they actually have.

ROO: It's always worth asking.

He can only say no.

Exactly.

VO: He being shopkeeper Jim.

MARK: Jim.

Hi.

JIM: Hiya.

ROO: Hi, Jim.

MARK: I've had a 1970s moment... JIM: Oh?

..in the corner over there.

This smoked glass table with the four swivel chairs... JIM: Mhm.

..in very good condition.

JIM: It is.

MARK: I like it.

But there's no price on it.

It's actually an American piece.

It's 1960s.

VO: Thought so.

JIM: I've got an asking price on that of £900.

No!

VO: Golly, gosh.

Forget it.

Forget it.

So, lovely plantation chair.

Yeah, just come in last week, that.

Could that be one-something-something?

280.

There's a bit of movement.

JIM: The absolute death on it would be £190... MARK: Could do 190.

..which is a considerable drop.

That is very, very, very kind.

Shall we?

MARK: We'll take it.

Thank you.

VO: Decisive stuff.

50, 60, 70, 80, 90.

VO: Thanks very much, Jim.

And we're done.

What a place.

VO: Now, time to look both forwards and back.

MARK: I've had a great time, you know and it's just gone like that.

ROO: I mean, it's probably more tiring than you doing your acting day job.

It's completely different.

Also, as much as I love this car, that's been a bit stressful as well because I don't want to damage it.

I want to drive it well because I'll probably never get to drive a car like this again.

ROO: (LAUGHS) (HORN TOOTS) IZZIE: Have you had a good time on our road trip?

I have had a fantastic time.

Do you know, sometimes in life, something is as good as you hope it's going to be.

And this has exactly been one of those times.

BOB: I've had an absolute ball.

Comfy seats, too, aren't they?

IZZIE: Oh, so comfy.

VO: Shut-eye next.

VO: It's auction viewing day in Chesterfield, famous for a certain wonky steeple, where the local football team are nicknamed the Spireites.

VO: And on their way are two celebrities.

MARK: Gosh.

We're in the Peak District, aren't we?

Certainly on the edge of it.

MARK: Is there one thing that you're really sure is going to do well?

Absolutely not.

MARK: (LAUGHS) VO: And this is their destination.

VO: Chesterfield's finest, where some of the greats have trodden the boards, including Mark and Bob, of course.

Beautiful bit of parking.

Thank you very much indeed, sir.

MARK: Well done.

It's a real work out, getting out of the car, isn't it?

BOB: Dear, oh, dear.

BOB: The Pomegranate!

VO: After setting out back in Preston and seeing an awful lot of Lancashire and Greater Manchester, they've now made their way towards Chesterfield, Derbyshire, while their purchases have been dispatched towards Richard Winterton of Lichfield, for sale on the phone, on the net and left with the auctioneer Richard himself.

Selling at 60.

(GAVEL) VO: Mark and Roo parted with £345 for their five auction lots.

(GAVEL) The relaxing lie-back rattan chair.

RICHARD: These are quite popular.

It's interesting, I'm not sure where we're going to end up on this one.

It's one to watch.

VO: While Bob and Izzie splashed the lot, all £400, on their five lots.

This industrial index or filing cabinet is really on trend at the moment.

Got a lovely color and it's really popular.

I think this will do well.

VO: Hear that, Bob?

VO: On trend, mate.

Now, is everybody ready?

MARK: Here we go.

VO: In the beginning was the word.

Mark's sign starts us off.

I like the look of that.

At the time I got very excited about it, didn't I?

ROO: You did.

Bob, are you a wee bit jealous of our sign?

Consumed with jealousy.

(THEY LAUGH) Interest is coming up.

Fiver I'm bid... Fiver!

A fiver?!

ROO: It'll climb.

Don't worry.

Five, and 30, and five.

35...

Yes.

RICHARD: 35.

35.

35.

35.

MARK: Come on.

Come on.

ROO: One more.

One more.

One more.

Hammer's up.

35, all finished.

All done.

ROO: Oh!

(GAVEL) How come they knew to stop at 35?

That's unbelievable.

VO: Ah well, at least it's not that horrible word, loss.

Look at the look on his face already.

Well, I just think it was a super piece and should have gone for far more.

VO: Round two.

Bob's golfing purchase.

I would like to have this.

Well, exactly.

We both liked it.

Yeah.

I think it's very nice.

IZZIE: A "Daws" stop, as it's called in your home... BOB: A "Daws" stop.

MARK: A "Daws" stop!

Yes, many of my friends would like to use it, I can tell you.

£5 to start me.

£5 to start me.

IZZIE: Oh, come on.

RICHARD: £5 start me.

No interest coming in at the moment.

RICHARD: I'm asking for £2.

IZZIE: Oh, no!

(LAUGHS) RICHARD: £2 I've got.

IZZIE: Yes!

Yes.

Five I'm bid.

IZZIE: Yes!

BOB: Yes!

RICHARD: Seven I'll take.

IZZIE: We'd love a £7 bid, wouldn't we?

We would.

No one else?

Can't tempt anything?

All done?

RICHARD: £5.

It's a goner.

(GAVEL) That is a very late bid, we're at £7.

IZZIE: Oh, yeah!

ROO: Ooh!

Where did that come from?

ROO: Very late bid.

RICHARD: Eight.

Oh!

£8, £9, £10.

MARK: I don't remember him pushing my sign as much as this!

Do you know this guy?

Yeah, very well.

Still live, £10.

(GAVEL) IZZIE: £10!

BOB: 10 whole pounds.

It's gone for 10 quid?

You've made a profit.

100% profit!

Good grief!

VO: Well worth the effort, Mr Auctioneer.

Now, I know I'm not going to use this very often during this auction, but this is my smug face.

MARK: You'll be laughing on the other side of your face, as my mother used to say!

(THEY LAUGH) VO: Brass cheek next.

VO: Well, fire-side ornaments, otherwise known as andirons actually.

Plus the grandfather clock knocker.

Fender, ends and knocker sounds like an old time musical act!

We could do that.

MARK: We could... Well, who do you want to play?

Do you want to play knocker?

I'd like to be knocker, please!

Where are we going to be?

Start me off, then.

£20.

£20, I'm bid.

Five, 25... ROO: (GASPS) RICHARD: ..30, £30, five, 35.

At 35.

ROO: Oh come on!

MARK: Come on!

35, I'm bid.

At 35, with yours, Jane, at 35.

ROO: It's going to be our unlucky number.

Sold at 35.

(GAVEL) MARK: 35 ROO: Oh, that's a shame.

IZZIE: I have to say, I thought they were stunning.

Yes, I did.

IZZIE: I can see why you bought them and I was thinking, "Oh, I wish we'd had that shop."

But I don't think that now.

VO: Quite.

Bit of a loss on those.

VO: Sorry, Mark.

Oh, I'm going to write into this program and complain!

BOB & IZZIE: (LAUGH) I've decided!

VO: The stoneware pots next.

VO: Izzie spotted them.

And they're stamped to within an inch of their lives.

They are.

They really are, so I think they're rather lovely.

MARK: Here we go.

Where you going to be?

£5 I'm bid.

Oh, come on!

Five I'm bid.

Five.

10, I'm bid.

£10, I'm bid.

Only at £10.

RICHARD: Can we tempt you at 15, please.

At £10, I'm bid.

Anyone else coming?

Yes.

15.

Thank you.

BOB: Yes.

15.

Thank you, Mother.

MARK: I think we should stop there now, sir.

Thank you.

ROO: Yes.

Hammer down.

Hammer down.

Yes.

Great, 15.

Yes.

Hammer is up, all done.

We finish then at 15.

(GAVEL) Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.

Why are you sorry?

IZZIE: Well, I persuaded you into buying them.

Well, and do you know what?

And you'd persuade me again.

Oh, thank you.

VO: He's very polite.

Nice item.

I would have them on my desk with little, you know, paper clips and, you know, rubber bands and stuff like that.

That's where you put your choccies.

Oh, they're not big enough for chocolates!

IZZIE: I'd need a huge one for chocolates.

VO: Dame Vera's turn.

Wind her up.

Was this the sort of one when you were a DJ you used?

(THEY LAUGH) I've got a bid already straight in at £10.

ROO: Ooh.

MARK: £10?

Play Vera Lynn.

Play Vera Lynn!

RICHARD: £10, I'm bid.

£15, I'm bid.

£20.

£25, Jane.

£30.

Yes, come on, come on!

IZZIE: Get in there!

£30, I'm bid.

At £30 I am bid.

At £30.

Hammer up at 30.

All the records!

RICHARD: And sold, £30.

Vera Lynn!

(GAVEL) No, I can't believe that!

ROO: That was a risk.

VO: Almost a profit for Mark.

Unlucky, sir.

MARK: Do you know what?

I should have realized because not only did they give us a very good price for the gramophone, but they also gave us all the records.

VO: Time for Bob to play his joker.

MARK: I am worried about this one.

IZZIE: Are you?

MARK: I am.

I think you're going to do well on this.

Yeah, I think that's the nicest lot that you two have bought.

It's mother-of-pearl, isn't it?

IZZIE: It is mother-of-pearl.

He knows his onions, doesn't he?

He does, doesn't he?

It's as if he's spent a couple of days with an antiques expert?

Yes, that would do it every single time.

So, where are we going to be?

£5.

£10.

15.

20, five.

30, five.

£40.

£40, I've got.

IZZIE: We've made 35, we're in profit.

RICHARD: £40, I'm bid.

At £45, I'm bid.

IZZIE: Yes!

No!

No, stop.

Izzie, you're on fire.

£45.

Hammer's up.

(GAVEL) £45 for a teether.

Yeah, I had a feeling about it.

I did.

VO: He looks pleased with himself as well.

MARK: And it's definitely worked because you have got very good teeth.

BOB: Thank you.

(THEY LAUGH) VO: Mark and Roo's turn again now.

VO: The silver-plated tea service.

Well, this is a very classy-looking tea set.

Whose choice was this?

Roo saw it gleaming at her and she noticed that it's Asprey & Garrard, who are well known.

Gone for quality.

£10, I'm bid.

£15, I'm bid.

RICHARD: 15, £20 I'm bid.

25, I'm bid.

25, I'm bid.

IZZIE: This seems cheap.

25, I'm bid.

25, I'm bid.

£25, I'm bid.

No, no, no, no, no.

But he's not saying the name of it.

That's far too low.

Hammer's up.

All in.

25.

(GAVEL) Not someone's cup of tea!

MARK & ROO: (GROAN) IZZIE: (LAUGHS) VO: For such a good name that does seem cheap.

If Izzie and I came round to yours for tea, would you use the silver plate service for us?

Not at that price.

No, I wouldn't.

BOB & IZZIE: (LAUGH) VO: Now, Bob's practical and industrial offering.

I really like this.

I mean, apart from the fact it looks so incredibly useful, there's a sort of, it's slightly on trend.

Very much, not even slightly.

A bit of interest on this one, I can tell you.

We are 20, we are 30, we are 40, we have 50, we're 60.

RICHARD: We are £70.

£70, I'm bid.

£70, I'm bid.

IZZIE: 70.

Come on, come on.

£70 I'm bid.

At £70.

£80.

ROO: It's going up in 10s, which is good.

At £80, I'm bid.

At £80.

IZZIE: We need a bit more, Bob.

BOB: Ooh.

All done and sold, £80.

(GAVEL) Thank you very much.

IZZIE: Oh!

BOB: Well.

I'm really surprised.

I'm really surprised at that, yeah.

Aren't you?

ROO: That should have been three figures all day long.

VO: I think they're about neck and neck, although Mark and Roo did part with less.

That's not the thing that you spent 250 quid on?

No.

Oh, no, that's still to come!

IZZIE & ROO: (LAUGH) All I'm saying to you is start practicing the smug look now.

OK.

Right.

VO: Mark's last lot - the rattan chair.

It's in very good condition.

I sat in it.

It's all working.

It works as a chair, I'm pleased to hear it!

No, but you know sometimes you sit in those things and it's a bit, you think it's going to give.

IZZIE: Yes.

MARK: No.

Story of my life!

(THEY LAUGH) Where are you going to be?

Start me.

£30, I'm bid.

BOB: Yes!

RICHARD: £30, I'm bid.

This is a steal.

£35, I'm bid.

35.

£35.

£35.

£40.

£40, I'm bid.

No, come on!

Come on!

Take that smile off your face.

RICHARD: All done?

All done?

Selling at 40.

(GAVEL) Got that in my belly!

MARK: (LAUGHS) I'm in genuine shock, I have to say.

Bob's agog!

I've just gone.

I've completely gone.

VO: Yes, no acting required over that one, thanks.

That just isn't right.

There's tumbleweed just blowing through this theater.

ROO: (LAUGHS) VO: Finally, Bob's pride and joy - the teller's desk.

Do you know, I just got carried away with this.

US Postal Service's table circa mid-19th century.

BOB: I had this wonderful image of the Wild West and Wyatt Earp coming in to post a letter for his mother.

So we're going to be at £35 bid.

IZZIE: Pardon?

RICHARD: £35 bid.

£40, I am bid.

Starts quite low, doesn't he?

Yes, well spotted, Mark.

(LAUGHS) £60, I am bid.

BOB: 60.

RICHARD: At £60.

Oh, and he's stalled.

RICHARD: At £60 I have.

At £60, all done.

MARK: No!

RICHARD: All done at 60?

(GAVEL) (THEY GROAN) BOB: Well, what did I tell you?

I hate to be right, but sometimes I am.

VO: (LAUGHS) Good use for the smug face, Bob!

I thought it was so elegant.

The legs were so elegant.

Not yours, I mean the table!

(THEY LAUGH) MARK: Although yours aren't bad!

BOB & MARK: (LAUGH) VO: Our pair of troopers have put on quite a show at the Pomegranate.

VO: Bob started out with £400 and after auction costs, he made quite a loss, so he's ended up with £172.20.

(GAVEL) VO: While Mark, who began with the same sum, made also after auction costs, a slightly smaller loss.

VO: Plus, he didn't spend as much, so he wins today with £190.30.

VO: Now, what's this?

ROO: Oh, hello.

Hello.

Mark Curry here for the audition.

VO: They can't help themselves.

My name's Robert Daws, here for the audition also.

Erm, Mark and I have prepared a brief soliloquies, so, Mark.

MARK: The boy stood on the burning deck, his legs were all a quiver... BOB: Oh, for a muse of fire, that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention.

(IN UNISON) What do you think of the show so far?

IZZIE: (SHOUTS) Rubbish!

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